Going crazy.

It's been two months.

Stil struggling with the same feelings.
Still holding my phone, contemplating about calling.
Still hoping to forget your phone number with no luck.

Every night before I fall asleep,
I imagined myself calling you,
and imagined you not picking up.

I know what's keeping me from calling you.
It's the thought that you probably wouldn't pick up.
Because I know,
you can deal with this far better than I can.
Because I know,
your heart is stronger than mine.
It would hurt so much more,
if I called and you wouldn't pick up.

Four years,
without knowing, you've become the most important person in my life.
Truthfully, I've regretted the fact that you've occupied such a large part of my life.
I honestly never meant to become so reliant on you.
I should've held back, even just a little bit.
Even a little bit, would make this pain just a little less.

Unlike before, I've never waited for your call this time around.
Not only because I've asked you not to contact me,
but also because I was never that important to you.

You know what I've been thinking about all the time?
If I ever got into an accident,
before my death,
your number is the one I want to dial.
your voice is the last thing I want to hear.
It's almost as if,
I want to use the accident as an excuse to talk to you.
That's how pathetic I am.
I'm glad you never have to know this...

How much longer can I endure this...
I'm on the brink of breaking down...

I can't control myself.

I wonder why is it that I've been hurting like this.

It feels like there's something in my chest, hurting every time I breathe.

Everyday I think about calling you and asking you to come back to me.

But I know we won't work. You've already made your choice, and it's not me.

A part of me doesn't want to care even if I can't have all of you.

All it cared about was us being together, forever.

All it cared about was hearing your voice every night before I fall asleep.

All it cared about was being in your arms...

Why did God let us meet if we weren't supposed to be together?

We've tried so hard... we've kept it together for so long...

Why couldn't God see that?

Why couldn't he help us?

So much wondering.. so many why's.. so much pain and confusion..

when would this all stop for me?

when could I stop missing you?

when could I start enjoying life again?

when can I get used to living without you in my life?

when can I stop numbing myself......?

I hate myself right now.

I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm ignorant, I'm gullible. 

all I do is waste time, and let more time go by.

I hate all of this.

I hate seeing clothes on the ground. 

I hate these dishes on my desk. 

I hate the stains on my table.

I hate my unpainted nails.

I just can't bring myself to care.

I can't help feeling tired all the time.

I can't help just wanting to occupy my mind with useless things...

I just want to sleep.. for a long time.. 

not having to wake up to reality..

not having to feel pain..

not having to miss you...

i hate you...